Tuesday, 9 August 2011

Pedestrian Chicken: Your ESSENTIAL guide to the running craze that’s sweeping the nation (and some parts of other nations too!)

Disclaimer: Please note that the advice given in the brilliant pages of these hysterically funny instructions are for entertainment purposes only. You participate in Pedestrian Chicken at your own risk : should you fall, break a bone/limb, dislodge an internal organ, end up in accident and emergency, break a nail or start a brawl in the middle of the road, you cannot blame me!

Pedestrian Chicken: Your ESSENTIAL guide to the running craze that’s sweeping the nation (and some parts of other nations too!)

Are you tired of ignorant walkers assuming the right of way on narrow roads? Do walkers irritate you because, despite the fact that you are clearly on a mission to beat your personal best, they still take 5 minutes to cross 0.1 miles of pavement? Are you tired of simply giving them the one finger salute behind their backs as they walk away from you? If so… you are ready for PEDESTRIAN CHICKEN!

You will need:
·         A brilliant ‘dirty look.’ If you’re unsure whether it’s adequately dirty, go and practise in the mirror. We’ll wait for you.
·         A lot of tension that you are desperate to release on some unwitting member of the public
·         Nerves of steel (you probably already have buns of steel and abs of steel- unless you’re like me who has gained half a stone during her training… oops. Mustn’t digress… but half a stone? Really!)
·         Loads of lycra (if you are American, I think it’s called spandex unless this is a totally different product in which case I’m really confused!) If possible, the lycra should be black thus making you look REALLY scary!
·         A hat- even better a hood! Okay, I know it’s not practical but think how scary you will look.
·         Oh yeah, running shoes, ipod, high carb drink… the usual stuff!

Method :
1.                          Start your run using your usual warm-up routine (nip to the loo, have a coffee and a biscuit, watch a Friends re-run on Sky- the usual.)
2.                          Set off looking super powerful and sleek in your black attire. (At this point, the hood might become a little warm but persevere-greatness isn’t achieved without effort people. )
3.                          Find a pedestrian who is willing to play the game: you will know if he/she is willing because they will give you a look. This look will scream ‘Try to move me out of the way and I’ll smack you over the head with my handbag/umbrella/ briefcase…come on sunshine, make my day.”
4.                          Slow down, jog on the spot- issue your most withering dirty look. Tense those nerves of steel… try repeating this mantra: Look here you rude pedestrian, you’d move for me if I was an equestrian. Maybe not my best, how about this one: Move out of my way you obnoxious toad, there’s no way I’m running in the road! MUCH BETTER.
5.                          If your opponent is unfamiliar with you and your awesomeness, she might decide to chance her arm. If this should happen, position yourself on the inside of the path (i.e. not next to the road) and charge. Keep your head up high so that as you pass the loser, you can re-use that dirty look! Please be aware that this is a NON-CONTACT sport which means that issuing a gentle nudge (or a full on shove) as you pass the opposition is strictly against the rules.
6.                          Once you’ve passed the pedestrian, punch the air and start the mental tally. You have played your first game of pedestrian chicken- welcome to the team!
7.                          You can remove the hood now- just in case you were wondering.

Your rough guide: How to choose a suitable opponent for Pedestrian Chicken.

Good people to play against
People who have no buggies, no walking sticks, no zimmer frames… are of perfectly sound health and can therefore handle a half step to allow you to pass.
This includes people with dogs who seem to assume that they NEVER have to deviate from their path (even when their dog has just emptied his handbag all over the pavement…grrr…)

Bad people to play against
OAP’s- if they break something, you will feel guilty. If they bruise, you will feel guilty. What if it was your Grandma? Exactly!
People pushing buggies- we’ve all tried pushing a 3 stone buggy up a hill with a screaming baby inside it… don’t add to the stress. Just give a sympathetic nod from the curb and move away.

If you have read and inwardly digested these instructions, you are now ready to play pedestrian chicken. You have the power now… use it wisely my running friends. (And let me know what your score is!)

1 comment:

  1. This is fantastic :) I trail run in order to avoid people but I might now stay on the pavements occasionally just to play this:D