Oh my goodness, I have discovered something EVEN MORE exciting than passive aggressively eyeballing pedestrians on the cobbled streets of Haworth… passive aggressively eyeballing pedestrians on canal walkways! Close your eyes and imagine if you will (actually, don’t close your eyes or you won’t be able to read this…) you are dragging your howling body on its first ever 10 mile run, jog, walk, hobble, stagger when you come to a narrow section of canal pathway. A pedestrian is coming towards you. There is clearly only space for one of you to get through the teeny-tiny, most minuscule of spaces… you swagger as you jog, she squares up to you and keeps walking, chin held high in defiance… you keep jogging- a little faster now- she keeps walking- even faster than you are jogging (the shame). In a sudden burst of energy, you race through the space, pushing her aside…and she falls, shrieking into the canal! Wouldn’t it have been cool if this had actually happened? It almost did…unfortunately, what actually happened was that I wimped out and hobbled on the spot whilst she strode past- a smug smirk playing on her supercilious lips. Fear not reader, I did manage to throw her a REALLY dirty look!
Basically, canal pedestrian chicken is extreme because pedestrians have to make a quick choice: jump into the foliage and be attacked by wasps or jump into the canal and be attacked by shopping trolleys! What fun it is to see them sweat.
You might have assumed that, since this blog is technically a day late, I ache today. And you would be wrong. Actually, I am locked in a burning, agonising, eternal fire which is consuming almost every part of my body- except from my little finger, which is actually healing quite nicely thank you for the concern. I learned 3 main lessons from yesterday’s run:
1) Read the instructions on the back of the GOO tube. If it says ‘take with water’- take the bloody thing with water. If you take it with a carbohydrate loaded energy drink you will go dizzy and run perilously close to the canal edge with such a manic look on your face that a 73 year old lady with a limp asks you if you need the telephone number for the Samaritans Suicide Helpline.
2) Avoid swans, ducks, dogs and geese… in fact, avoid all animals completely. No good can come of them when you are trying to be a serious runner. You either get distracted by the animal’s cute expression or the animal tries to eat you, bite you or lick you to death.
3) Third, and most importantly. So important in fact, that it is written in capital letters: IF YOU HAVE EATEN NOTHING EXCEPT FISH AND CHIPS, TGI FRIDAY’S, CHOCOLATE, CRISPS AND FLUMPS DO NOT TRY TO RUN 10 MILES. You will be sick, you will go into cramp, you will end up laying on a grass verge crying for your Mum. Really, they should put this warning on all fatty foods, much like the ‘IF YOU SMOKE YOU WILL BECOME A LEPER’ warning on cigarettes (I think that’s what it says on fag packets these days.)
Back on with my now infamous A-Z…Are you ready? Here we go.
‘I love running’ A-Z
‘I hate running and wish that I had never signed up for this madness’ A-Z
F- Flumps. Have you EVER tasted such a delicious, mouth watering, sugar injected, soft and scrumptious, life affirming treat. They are only 30 calories each: which means you can eat HUNDREDS of them in one sitting and you will gain absolutely no weight…at all… Genius x
F- Fanny pack/ bum bag/ thing you strap around your waist and then hope fervently that you don’t see anyone you know. Yes, you can fit all manner of things in the handy little zippers. Yes, ‘proper runners’ wear them and you feel a bit more professional with it strapped around your waist. But a FANNY PACK? Come on people, have you no shame?!
Quotes: neither good nor bad, just funny:
“Kel, do you think you might be overdoing things a bit?” My Mum when she found me face down on my bedroom floor, butt naked during week 1 of my training. I was trying to put my knickers on, couldn’t bend my legs to put through the holes, had fallen onto the floor and couldn’t get up. (She then went downstairs for a cup of tea and left me on the floor… that’s motherly love for you!)
“Running’s just a fad. I’ll give it 5 weeks.” My husband, oh he of little faith, about 5 months ago! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Watch this space guys. 4 mile ‘fast’ run tomorrow (yeh right) and I will take some photographs of my local mountain ranges. I am also working on the formal rules for ‘Pedestrian Chicken,’ keep ‘em peeled!
Happy times x