Sunday, 31 July 2011

H is for humiliation (and I is for incontinence...)

You may have noticed that it has been three days since my last BLOG, you may be thinking ‘Dear Lord, has she quit already? Just when I was starting to enjoy Kelly’s particular brand of self deprecating humour and witty tit-bits, what shall I do without her?” (Or you may not have noticed, in which case you need to pay more attention!) Fear not, I am back with another tale from the mountain ranges of Haworth.
            On Friday evening, I consulted my training calendar and it read “run a fast mile then jog for 5 minutes x3.” Honestly, I didn’t really understand what this meant- I always run as fast as I can. Granted, as fast as I can is really, REALLY, REALLY slow… but hey, God loves a trier! So I decided to ignore the wisdom of Runner’s Magazine’s training planner and just do my own thing. I should have stopped right there. Me doing my own thing never ends well, and unfortunately this was no exception.
            I set off with slight backache- yoga on Wednesday had been particularly brutal. The instructor cheerfully informed us after the session that we might experience some ‘slight’ soreness in the lower back. I should really sue her for false information because I spent all day Thursday hobbling around, bent almost double. Remember Mrs Overall from Victoria Wood’s Acorn Antiques? That was me.
            Anyway, as determined as ever, I set off and these were my original, unique and inspiring thoughts:
            Mile 1: “It’s okay, I can run it off. Although my back does feel a little peculiar.”
            Mile 2: “My back doesn’t hurt but it feels very cold, which is weird because, for once, it’s sunny.”
            Mile 3: “The cold seems to be spreading across my lower back and I can feel it in my buttocks. Oh dear, I must have done some serious damage. I’ll just go home, better not look just in case…”
            Mile 4: “I can’t take it anymore- the back of my lower body is freezing. This must be terrible.”
            At this point, I stopped to assess the damage- then I realised that my water bottle had split open and had leaked all the way down the back of my leggings. To the average bystander, it must have looked as though I had wet myself. Now, I realise that I wear running leggings, far too much lycra and a baseball cap with holes in. I understand that, when I run, my face turns bright red and sweat literally runs off me, often dripping on to the ground- I realise that it’s not pretty. However, I would prefer NOT to add ‘incontinence’ to my list of ‘attributes that make her unattractive when she runs!’ To tantalise your eyes dear reader, I forced my husband to take a photograph: if you look closely, you can see the wet patch on my back.
            So desperate was I to get home and hide the evidence, that I ran my fastest ever mile: no less than 8 minutes. However, this made my back even worse. I spent most of Friday night lying on my living room floor moaning ‘never again’ and ‘I must be out of my mind.’
            But here I am, 20 minutes from my next big run. If you don’t hear from me for a while, rest assured that I am still around and intending to BLOG. I’m probably just becoming very well acquainted with my living room carpet.
            Happy times x

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